But ended up needing to write about body dysmorphia first.
My uncle died of a stroke this week. Of my mom’s six siblings, three have had strokes, and two of those three have also had heart attacks. My grandma had multiple strokes and died of a heart attack. It appears that I’m genetically predisposed to atherosclerosis.
My uncle’s fatal stroke and a sub-optimal cholesterol test result* were the kick in the pants I needed to go from a flexitarian to vegetarian and make some other health changes as well. Actually, our family has been in transition out of meat for a while. But confronting my crap genetics on strokes was the final straw.
I wanted to write about all of the reasons we’re going vegetarian. For health reasons. For planet reasons. For money reasons. But every time I started thinking about writing this post, all I could see was a fat middle schooler.
I was bullied for being fat**
Growing up, I didn’t fit in. My mom was a nurse who worked with head injuries. I wasn’t allowed to bike without a helmet (WAY before they were common). Since I was the only kid in the whole city who had to wear a helmet I refused to bike. I wasn’t allowed to play contact sports until all the other kids were already really good at them. I wasn’t like the other kids and I had a hard time finding friends.
By the time I got to middle school I was pegged as that brainy kid. And it sucked. And I got made fun of for being smart. And I got made fun of for being fat. And when someone makes fun of you for being fat, you see yourself as fat whether you’re fat or not.
In fact, to this day, every time I look at myself in the mirror, I can only really see a fat middle school kid.
You leave middle school but it never leaves you
Even though I’ve grown up and have become quite lean (by American standards at least) I still see myself in the mirror as that chubby middle schooler who doesn’t fit in. I remember reading this piece by Peter Sagal a decade ago about how if you’re fat, you’ll never outgrow the fear of being fat. It really reasonated with me. At least Peter sees himself as of an average weight at this point in his life. I always think about how much better I’d look if I were skinnier.
In writing this post, I tried to find pictures of me in middle school. I couldn’t find any but I did find this picture of my high school swim team. When I look at the picture long enough the objective half of my brain says “There are 13 boys in great shape in this photograph.” But mostly when I look at the picture I just think I’m the fattest kid on the team and beat myself up over how fat I was.
And while I might not have actual weight issues in high school, I definitely reached an unhealthy weight in graduate school.
Graduate school was stressful. I was depressed. To be fair, I don’t think I knew I single person in graduate school that wasn’t on anti-depressants and/or exhibited serious self destructive or depressive behavior.
I gained a lot of weight in graduate school which made me hate how I looked. But I guess I really hated everything about myself during graduate school. Being obese at this state in my life was just one more reason to hate myself.
I coped with all of this by becoming a regular at a bar. Like I’d walk in and the bartender would pour me a drink before I ordered. It’s weird to write that, because I’m not that person any more. I couldn’t imagine wasting my life (and money!) away in bars now. I guess it shows you how much you evolve as a person.***
Having a kid saved my life
I remember shortly after we found out my wife was pregnant going to Urgent Care the morning after St. Patrick’s day because I’d slammed my finger in a car door while drinking. The doctor made some shitty comment to me about my lifestyle (I was reading a parenting book while waiting for him to come in).**** I don’t remember what he said but I decided to turned my life around in Urgent Care that day.
I remember realizing that I needed to set a good example for my future child. I quit going to bars. I started running. I started keeping detailed records of my workouts, the number of alcoholic drinks I was consuming, and the number of sweets I ate each week. To this day I’m pretty intense about recording every single detail about my body in a spiral notebook.
It was also during this time that I was diagnosed with celiac disease. It was before gluten free was “a thing”. So my wife and I started cooking all of our food from scratch each night. I also had to cut beer out of my diet. And bread.
During my wife’s pregnancy and before my daughter was born, I dropped closed to 60 lbs, and weighed 155 lbs. As a 5’7” male, that put my BMI into a healthy range. My weight stayed pretty much exactly at 155 for years.
Being at a healthy weight didn’t make me feel any better about my body
After my daughter was born, I got out of graduate school and I was probably at the healthiest point in my life (mentally and physically).***** I was running a couple of marathons per year. I had picked up other sports. I got damn good at other sports. I was in my late twenties in excellent physical and mental shape.
But I still hated my body. When I was running marathons I still dreamed about how much faster and more efficiently I could run them if I weighed 20+ lbs less. I looked at pictures of Ryan Hall when he set the American record in the half marathon and dreamed about having a similar physique.****** My wife is about the same height I am, and I wondered why she weighed so much less than I did and if I could ever get down to her weight.
Basically even when I was in the best shape of my life:
- I saw myself as fat
- I hated my body
- I dreamed about being even skinnier
- I enjoyed punishing workouts because I felt my body sucked and deserved to be punished. Every Yasso 800, every tempo run, every sit-up was just a way of hurting a body I hated in a safe way.
- I felt unworthy of love/affection because I was fat (this is by far the worse effect of hating your body)
Which brings us to today
Sorry for the long detour. For those of you still reading this post, I am in the process of confronting my shitty genes when it comes to heart disease. My wife and oldest daughter have been talking about going meat free. I think we’ve taken the plunge.
When we started going vegetarian, I wanted to write a post about all of the reasons we’re doing it. That seems like a typical post you’d find on a personal finance/lifestyle blog right?
“5 reasons I’m going vegetarian (hint $$$$)”
But I can’t write that article. I tried. Every time I reflect on going vegetarian, the same feelings of body self-hatred come back really strong. In many ways, the real reason I’m going vegetarian is that I hate my body. Giving up foods I enjoy is just one more way to punish myself for being fat.
Epilogue
When I started to write this post about all of my issues with my body, it occurred to me that I could still write the “5 reasons I’m going vegetarian (hint $$$$)” post. But it would be hiding a dark core. It made me wonder how many PF bloggers choices seem happy and shiny on the outside, but their actions are really coming from a dark space. Principal FI wrote a great pieces about Fear and Money recently– so perhaps I’m not the only one who thinks like this.
I do really struggle with hating myself/my body. I know that body dysmophia is a serious medical condition, of which I exhibit many of the symptoms. I’m not a (medical) doctor, and I’ve never talked to a health professional about how much I obsess about being skinny. I have never had an eating disorder. And I’ve managed to hide my feelings from everyone (including my spouse*******). Most of the time it’s just a silent struggle within myself.
But in the process of writing this article, a lot of really kind PF bloggers I follow lent kind words of encouragement. Namely Rose Colored Water, The 76k Project, and Our Table 4 Two. These bloggers helped me feel like it was okay to write about things I was struggling with. (And they’ve all written fantastic posts about their own struggles). Their encouragement helped me to continue writing this post. And writing this post was very cathartic for me to actually confront my body demons.
And also, my wife suggested we have an “at home date” last night where we order carry-out and eat after the kids go to bed. I decided to get some beef fucking tacos and wash them down with a “couple-two-three” margaritas. And it felt really good to do what I wanted to do and fight back at the voices in my head telling me to restrict my diet. I guess it’s not a total “win” on mental health issues, but it’s a step in the right direction. And I’ll take that today.
Footnotes
*For whatever odd reason I had a cholesterol screen at the same time my uncle had his stroke. I had not great LDL numbers but not bad enough to medicate. I got a form letter from the MD telling me to exercise and eat less white bread. WTF!!! I have celiac disease. I haven’t had white bread in over a decade and I am way the f*ck more athletic than you. Don’t cholesterol shame me! I just have worse genetics than you do. And what’s the point of saying “eat better and exercise more”. Does anyone not already know they’re supposed to do that?? F*ck form letters for medical test results. F*ck that so hard.
**I know women have it way worse when it comes to body image and societal expectations. I’ve talked about my privilege before in the context of money. I acknowledge that I have privilege as an adult male- for the most part no one judges me by my looks. I still have horrible self image issues and this post is about my experiences.
***It’s ironic, that I can’t imagine myself being a regular at a bar even though I was one and that this post is about not being able to see myself as anything other than fat, even though I’m not.
**** This is the second time this post I’ve commented that an MD said something shitty to me. What’s up with them?
***** It’s funny but somehow my depression went away shortly after finishing graduate school. Graduate school in STEM is like living with Dementors until professor Snape thinks you’re good enough to graduate.
****** For those of you too lazy to google this iconic photograph, imagine a skeleton breaking the tape at a major race.
******* I told her I was writing a post about hating my body and she had no idea that I even hated it.
Really good article. Thank you for your openness. Makes your super low grocery budget even more impressive. I couldn’t tell which swim team guy might be you btw.
Middle school is the worst. Is there anyone that wasn’t awkward and miserable? I’m terrified of becoming the parent of a middle schooler.
My parents also made me wear a helmet AND put flashing lights on my bike. So embarrassing in the 1990s. I’d head to school and stuff helmet and lights in my bag once I was “safely” a few streets away.
Thanks for the kind words SP! You know what’s funny? After I blacked off all of the faces, I didn’t see any fat kids in the swim team photo either. I had a hard time telling where I was in the photograph. It just goes to show you how tricky our minds can be sometimes. Thanks for being so kind and thanks for following the blog!!
❤❤❤ you have me in tears. Body dysmorphia sucks. It’s the reason I stay away from mirrors and we don’t have a scale in our house, and it never really goes away. I’ve been thinking a lot about my relationship with food and eating, and the choices I’ve made to get myself there… its a rough, personal topic. And you were so eloquent. And raw. And real. So glad you decided to post. ❤❤❤
Oh!!! Thank you Moriah for being so open and honest in your comment! I think it’s awesome that you don’t have a scale in your house. I think that’s such a great idea. And part of me thinks I’d be so much better if I didn’t weigh myself daily. But part of me is so scared to give that up. I don’t know if I was eloquent. It was more stream-of-consciousness. I re-read the post today and found a ton of sentences that were a little too “raw”. (I used an adjective instead of an adverb!!! WTF!?!? I hate that!). But anyway- thank you for (1) encouraging me to post this post (2) being so sincere in your own comments and (3) just being so kind!
Wow, this is a powerful piece. Thank you for writing it. And, you are definitely not alone in recognizing that our actions can come from a dark place. As you said, one of the great things about the PF space is all the different perspectives and those who show their vulnerabilities and the realness of the struggle. I’m a big believer that acknowleding something goes a long way to reducing its power over us.
Thanks for your openness, and good luck with the vegetarian journey. Any reason you do it is valid!
Thanks PFI! I am really enjoying all of the great voices in the PF space and am happy to be considered a (minor) part of it. Thanks again!
There is so much in this piece that was so damned good. Thanks for writing it. I have been reflecting this week on the Polyanna-ish nature of PF blogging. I’m all about posting and highlighting the positive, don’t get me wrong, but I am wondering about how much of the “spin” is masking deep insecurities.
Thanks Diana! I like how you put it- that the spin may be masking deep insecurities. I wouldn’t doubt if a lot of FI movement may be motivated by some subconscious insecurities. I loved the comment! Thanks for visiting!!
I have a piece on why I don’t ritualistically track my net worth and never will. But I don’t think I’ll ever finish writing it.
So I’m just here to say yes, yes, yes, and more yes.
Thank you Penny! I could easily see how for someone tracking their net worth could be just as unhealthy as me tracking my body weight. I’m sure the piece would be amazing! Thanks for the kind words 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. So rare to read something so raw and person on blogs these days. Very refreshing.
I agree that experiences from middle school never leave you. I moved from Taiwan to suburbia St. Louis at age 12. I was th robot Asian kid. Classmates asked me how to say things in Chinese like I’m some sort of circus monkey. Those experiences don’t leave a person.
I’m so sorry to hear about your middle school experiences! Kids can be so mean. I’ve been reflecting on middle school a lot as my oldest daughter will start middle school next year. Hopefully her experiences are kinder than ours!
Thank you so much for sharing this. I realize how difficult it is to process and write about vulnerabilities and fear. Your writing brought up my own struggles with weight and helped me reflect on some of the ways I’ve grown since I dropped my freshmen [much more than] 15. It still hurts to talk about how low I felt during the years I denied how unhealthy I truly was.
Thanks EconTeach. It’s so nice to hear that I’m not the only one who struggles with his/her relationship with food, body issues, and weight. I’m glad you’ve grown! I’m working on growing too!!
Good move on becoming vegetarians. We’re trying to eat more vegetarian meals and it’s tough. I’m not very good at cooking vegetarian meals.
Would you see a psychologist or counselor about getting over the body-hating thing? It seems like you need to put it in the past. GOod luck!
I am the son of a neurosurgical nurse, so I understand where you’re coming from on the helmet/sports/outside activities thing. I internalized my mother’s anxieties about head injuries and getting hurt so much that I was pretty much an isolated homebody as I went through middle and high schools… definitely didn’t help my weight or body image. I am not fat now – I’m actually not even obese anymore, I’m technically overweight – but I still feel like I’m fat and obese and I probably will always feel ugly and physically undesirable. Even the affirmations and reassurances from my wife are ineffective at making me feel better about my appearance. It definitely doesn’t help that I was born with a cleft lip and palate and have lived my life with scars and facial deformities.
My experience actually led to some other unhealthy thoughts and decisions over time as a teenager and very young adult. I became a misogynist because it never felt like women would be attracted to me, and it was easier to blame them than to blame myself. I became a troll because I felt so ugly on the outside that I set about making myself uglier on the inside. I became a toxic, negative person because if I wasn’t going to be let in on everyone else’s good times, then I wanted to spoil those good times. Friendships were unnecessary, I stopped developing hobbies and skills, and relationships were for sexual gratification only – I had no urge for romance or coupling. I was a bad dude who tried to pretend he was a nice guy only when it was socially necessary.
It took a lot of help from people who were true friends, my family and the person who is now my spouse for me to “un-f*ck” myself.
Also, thank you for writing this. It always helps to know that you’re not alone.
Thanks so much for leaving these powerful comments. They completely blew me away. Thanks for being so honest about how issues of isolation and body weight affected how you interacted with the outside world. I’m glad to hear that you eventually developed a powerful support network that helped you out of it. Your comment made me realize I could have written much more about all of the people who have helped me get into a healthier space as well. Thanks for sharing!!
Thank you for writing about your struggles with this. As I get closer to my goal weight, my body dysmorphia is starting to come back. I know logically I’m only 6-7 lbs away from being at a healthy/fit weight, but I keep looking at my body and thinking, “No, there’s way more than that to lose.” I’m afraid that even when I hit a fit weight I’m going to still think I’m chubby and be self-conscious. And that sucks because I want to enjoy the results of my hard work. (Or lately not-so-hard work, but I’m getting back on my diet soon.)
So I’ve promised myself that once size 8 jeans fit comfortably, I have to accept that I’m in good shape. I’m in therapy too, so I can always rely on that to help keep my eyes open to the progress I’m making. And I have friends who’ll snap me out of it. But it still sucks that we have to rely on these external factors in order to feel good about our bodies… Assuming we ever can.
Thanks Abigail! I really enjoyed your own piece on body dysmorphia! I totally agree with you about how even when you reach an objective goal (fitting into a certain size or achieving a certain weight) instead of being happy about it your mind can just laser focus on the flaws. I hope we can both eventually get to happy places with our bodies! And thanks for commenting!!
I think it is great that you are able to openly talk about something that affects you every day. I hope that this can get better for you and you are not alone 🙂
Thank you for writing this. You are definitely not alone.
Thank you for sharing your struggles. I think everyone struggles with this in some way.
Have you ever considered seeing a therapist to discuss any of this? I’m obviously a huge fan of therapy and would recommend giving it a try if you haven’t yet.
Thanks Jessica! I haven’t seen a therapist for this issue. When I was depressed in school I saw a therapist and really had a profoundly negative experience. Every time they asked me a question, I immediately tried to trace their line of logic or questioning and would throw answers at them that I thought they wanted. It felt like mental fencing. I didn’t like the therapist trying to probe my inner most thoughts and was constantly parrying them away. I think it’s great for lots of people. I just didn’t enjoy it at all. I really appreciate your comment though! Thank you so much!!
Interesting. I’m sorry to hear about your bad experience. I’ve certainly found some therapists to be more helpful than others. It sounds like you are handling things quite well now, so it’s probably not needed. In the future, if something changes and you decide to try again, I’d be happy to share thoughts or make recommendations. (I have enough experience with therapy that I could probably write a mental health blog…). 🙂
This is such a relevant post for me regarding how my child has “set me straight” on some of the sad thoughts that have filled my mind in the past. I need to challenge my dysmorphic thoughts consistently in order to be the best mom I can.
I especially love how you are putting this out there as a man! We need more men to speak up about these issues. I love the honesty, the title, the message, your vulnerability – all of it. Thank you. You have been on quite the journey with your body and your sense of yourself. You deserve health and confidence. Never forget that!